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When I Fell -->removed the link! :) I think posting the whole story here is more convenient
here's the story:
© Pipan P
By: Pipan P
It wasn’t the first time I met her, but seeing her definitely makes me happy. It is indeed strange for me to feel this way… To think about it, I remember the first time I saw her. She was playing for the Pacific High Basketball team. The Pacific High Basketball team was a part of the open division, which means that girls and boys can play on the court as equals. She was a tough competitor. We weren’t the team their competing with at that time, it was another team. To tell you the truth, I hated that team. I don’t normally hate teams for the reason that I love competing but that team was different. They’re a bunch of cheaters, to think that they’ll actually beat and hurt girls to win. She was one of the girls who got beaten up by those jerks. But she was cool. She did not mind the player who hit her. Or so I thought, after the game she practically got her revenge. I saw her beat the guy. The guy ended up like a child who lost his candy.
The next time I saw her was in school. Though she’s a year younger than me, a freshman, I see her along the campus. Due to my curiosity and my eagerness of wanting to know more about her, I asked questions to the people who I think knows her, just then did I learn that she transferred to our school because of the wounds and bruises she got on their last game. Her parents wanted her to act like a lady and to do that she must first be away from the basketball team. So they enrolled her in my school, which was not a part of the open division.
There were many instances where I ran close to her or she was close to me. But there was never a time when the two of us talked. Of course you cannot expect her to talk to me because she didn’t know me. I on the other hand had no reason of talking to her so I couldn’t find any excuse of getting close to her, until their P.E. Class. It was their lesson in basketball and as varsity players, we were asked to teach them. She needed no assistance because she was a former basketball player. I noticed that she had no friends in her class. She practiced alone. I went near her and tried to entertain her. That was the first time we talked. She was stern, not quite a talker but sensible and smart in her words.
We became friends. She shared her memories and I shared mine. I learned more about her and later on understood her personality. I was with her every day. And every day I liked her more and more. Then one day while we were in school, she seemed sad. She was trying to hide it from me but I can see that there was something bothering her. I asked her what it was. For a moment she smiled and tried to conceal her true emotions but it did not work for very long because she burst into tears and fled into my arms. It was a romantic sight. Any guy would probably like that, the girl he longs for on his arms. I would probably like it if not for the words she said afterwards. She told me that she saw her ex- boyfriend with another girl. She spilled all her emotions on that day. She told me how she loved him and that she still loves him. She said that she never thought that it would still affect her. It broke my heart. I wanted to cry out, and tell her how I really feel about her, but I did not. I thought that it would be better if she wouldn’t know. I thought that if I tell her, she might be even more confused and the pain in her heart would grow. I tried to comfort her, even with my heart feeling the same way she does.
I asked her who he was and she answered me. I didn’t know the person, but whoever he is, he’s one lucky guy. I tried to find him and with the effort I brought out I did. I consider him an opponent the first time I saw him but controlled myself for the sake of the person I care for. I was asking some people about him and learned that he just broke up with his girlfriend. It was a perfect time for me to confront him. I picked a right time to talk to him personally. I felt like I’m one stupid person, who would be stupid enough to tell his rival the ways of winning? I thought twice in doing it. Why don’t I just leave him alone and make her fall for me. But I know I was just being selfish so I decided to do what’s right.
I waited for the right time to talk to him. He was alone on the streets and I blocked his way. I tried to be cool. I didn’t want any trouble. I talked to him and told him about her. I said that she still cared about him. He laughed, and gave out insults about her. I was furious. I didn’t want to hear him insulting the girl I care for. I told him to stop but he did not do it. I warned him again but still he did not stop. I was unable to control myself and I punched him on the face. It did not take long and the both of us were hitting each other. I got him and punched him continuously on the ground. He was bleeding terribly and then… I heard someone scream.
He was unconscious on the ground. I turned to look at the source of the voice and to my surprise, it was her. She pushed me away from him and yelled at me. She was worried about her ex- boyfriend. She was crying while holding him. She told me to go away. I did as she said. I went away and felt an agonizing pain. I cried that night. I never thought even for once that I’d feel this way. I felt so down. I felt like every person in the world had stepped on me. For what she’s done I wanted to hate her. But I couldn’t, I still liked her and the feeling just won’t go away. I felt like I was the dumbest person in the whole world.
I asked for her forgiveness but she wouldn’t listen to me. She wouldn’t even talk to me. And a week after that incident I heard that she was back with her boyfriend. After school I can see her walking, holding hands with that guy. She’s not aware on how much she hurts me every time I see them together. But I could do nothing, who am I in her life anyway. It seemed like all the times we’ve spent together were just thrown out into the trash. I never bothered them again, I just hoped that he wouldn’t hurt her and that he’ll love her and care for her more than I do.
I concentrated on my studies and on being better in basketball so I could at least forget about the feelings I have for her. But it’s not that simple. The harder I try to forget, the stronger the feeling become. Even if I try to deny, I still care for her.
One day while I was heading home, the guy blocked my way. It seems like he’s up for his revenge. He spoke and laughed maliciously. He bragged about how she chose him instead of me despite of all the insults he told me about her. He insulted her more and I hated him more. I wanted to break his bones into pieces. I was so angry. I was about to hit him on the face when someone hit him before I could. It was her. Her eyes were blazing with fury. He looked at her and spoke, ‘You are such a fool for believing that I really care for you’ he stood up and smiled, ‘Well to tell you the truth, I don’t… if it wasn’t for your reputation I wouldn’t even bother to look at you-‘
Then I punched him straight on his face. He was terrified, not wanting to repeat the incident which happened before, he ran away.
Tears fell from her eyes. She sat on the ground in sorrow. I walked towards her, hesitating to touch her. Things have been different ever since that incident.
‘I-‘she started to speak. I listened patiently beside
‘I’m sorry’ and she cried harder, ‘I was-‘… I wrapped my arms around her, ‘don’t think about it.’
The next days were sad… I see her smile at me… But the pain she feels inside is visible. Just like before, she tries to smile… She seems to distance herself from me. Every time I come close to her she finds an excuse to go away. We never had a nice conversation since then… I still haven’t told her my feelings… And I don’t plan to at this time… she have so many problems to go through and I don’t want to add up to her problems. Maybe, I’ll just wait until the wounds are healed.
A week had gone by and still she remained distant. Then one afternoon after class, I was able to walk her home. That was the first time we had a conversation for a very long time since her ex-boyfriend and I had a fight. The warmth of her voice was really soothing. Like music to my ears. I longed for her voice, her smile, her face… everything about her… We stopped on a street and sat on a bench. I felt the cool wind blowing then she spoke while staring at the tall post in front of her.
‘I’m going to London… I’ll be studying there’
It took me time to respond to her words… I was struck… I didn’t know what to say… then I answered her,
‘T-That’ll be a great experience… I heard London- is a great place…’
‘I did so too… I think I’ll be better off there’
‘Ah- W-What about your friends, the people who care for you here…’
‘Nobody cares for me here… That’s one of the reasons I have in going there’
Thorns seem to strike my heart the moment she mentioned those words…
‘I’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow…. Quick eh? My parents seemed happy of the decision I made and immediately entered me to a school there. I’ll be doing lots of preparations for the trip. I think I should be heading home now.’
I walked with her to her home where she thanked me. I wanted to tell her, but I did not… I waited for the next day, the last day she’ll spend in our country before she flies to London. I went to her house. I saw her on their doorstep. She looked at me and smiled. We walked to the park silently. I did not give out a word. I simply looked at her, cherishing the moment we have together. We stopped by a tree. She began to talk… I listened to her voice and to her words. Then silence once again conquered the conversation. She handed me a star-shaped keychain,
‘Take this as a remembrance… Thank you for everything….’
‘You don’t have to thank me… I did those things for you because I- care for you… because I like you’ I said… I was stunned with what I just said, and I could see that she too was surprised…
‘I- ‘she spoke, ‘I have to go’
‘Please… stay for a while… I- I want to be with you’ everything I was thinking about seemed to run into words immediately.
‘I don’t want to get into commitments… I’m sorry I really have to go’
‘I’ll be waiting- for you… I will be here… waiting for you…’ she left me without saying goodbye… I went by the airport everyday witnessing the departure and the arrival of the planes hoping to see her. I also walked by their house but nobody was there. They’ve moved out.
Seven years had gone since she left me on the park. I’m already a working man. A bit busy, but I still find time to visit the airport. My hopes are still up. Though I know that seven years is a long time, who knows what had happened to her… she might be going out with someone on the present time. Different thoughts fled to my mind often, thoughts that she’s not coming back or that she might no longer remember me. But there was a thought which remained strong in my mind. It was the thought of seeing her again.
I was sitting on the chairs and tables located outside of a restaurant I like. I ordered some coffee and cake and observed the people walking. My phone rang. People usually would laugh at me because of the accessory I attached on my phone. They think it’s funny for a man, especially a working man such as myself to have a star dangle on my cellular phone… It was the keychain she gave me before she left. I answered it, the call was about to end when suddenly, someone bumped my hand and my phone fell on the concrete. I was terrified, thinking that the keychain might break. The person who bumped me picked my phone and stared at it for a while.
‘Would you mind giving it back?’ I asked coolly.
She handed it to me,
‘I’m sorry’ her voice was familiar… it was soothing and relaxing. I did not fully accept the phone. I held her hand and stared at her face. It was the face I longed to see for seven years. I held my arms around her. I realized how much I missed her, it was so much… I’ve waited for that moment, the moment that I’ll see her again, hear her voice, and touch her. I felt her tears… She was crying,
‘I-I’m sorry… before… I was confused… forgive me for all the things I’ve done… I-I’m sorry...’
‘It’s been a long time… Seven years since you left me on the park… I missed you… so much’
I invited her to dinner. There we talked about things... She hadn’t changed a bit. She was still the person I knew before, beautiful, smart, witty… I wanted to ask her about a lot of things… but she asked me first,
‘Don’t you hate me for- being so selfish?’
‘No… that’s something funny though… After all the things I’ve been through with you, I cannot seem to hate you’
‘You know, I think I’d feel better if you’d hate me… I think it’ll make me feel better about my stupid mistakes’
‘Mistakes are made, but they cannot be called stupid. They guide us to the things we’ve done wrong and tell us to not do them again.’
‘Are you this philosophical these days? I guess time makes people change’
She was smiling. It made me feel a lot better.
‘Yes, time does make people change, but it doesn’t apply to all… I know I haven’t changed. I can see that you haven’t changed either…’
‘The star keychain…. It’s still with you all these years…’
‘I would definitely cry if I’d lose it…’
She brought out a laugh, ‘You are so silly’
‘I’ve been longing for that laugh’
‘A friend of mine who works in the airport told me that she always sees you there, are you waiting for someone?’
‘Yeah… I’ve been waiting for you’
I glanced at her expression, I wasn’t so sure how she feels but I’m certain that I saw her blush. That night was the last night I was able to spend time with her and tell my feelings towards her. She was betrothed. She told me that they will be getting married tomorrow. She was just trying to enjoy spending her last day as single because she will not be able to do it after her wedding tomorrow She said that she was glad to see me and that she wanted to tell me so much. That was the saddest moment of my life. It was the moment I lost the love of my life without having the chance to fight.
Now I stand on the green grass. The place was nicely decorated. Flowers of white and pink were everywhere. They agreed to have a garden wedding and the way they arranged things were good. The people were excited to see the bride… And the groom, the lucky guy she’s about to marry was standing in front waiting for her… Then she arrived, so beautiful in her gown of white silk. I did not let my eyes off her. I stared at the person whom I fell for almost eight years and until now… My heart ached more as she moved a step forward. How I wished that things did not turn out this way, that I was the guy waiting for her by the altar. But it seems that those things are no longer possible and all I can do at this time is to admire her from afar and to prepare to say goodbye… for the moment she says I do is the moment I let my dreams go away.I didn’t know what I had been in those past years. I thought that I was just being idiotic. I never realized that I’ve become a fool waiting for someone who doesn’t long for me and fighting for a love whose chances of blooming was low from the very start. I learned that reality hurts more than wounds and bruises and that fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending. But I wouldn’t trade my memories with her for anything because even though she was the reason why I cried many times, had that saddest moment in my life… She made me smile more than any person could have and to her I felt the love I thought I’d never feel for anyone.
© Pipan P